Australian Tourist Crushed by Falling Sarcophagus

Paris, FRANCE - A young Australian tourist has been killed in Paris' Louvre museum, during a shattering chain of random historical-artefact-collapsings. The woman, whom investigators say has not yet been publicly identified, was crushed by a falling New Kingdom sarcophagus, dated to the mid-18th dynasty, approximated to the reign of Thutmosis III, in the Ancient Egyptian section of the museum's Sully Wing. Late this morning, a spokesperson for the museum formally announced that this is the first time such an event has happened in the Louvre's history, and the last time it will be allowed to happen. However, theNewJuice can exclusively say that this is only one in a chain of similar events, all part of a new and absurd phenomenon tentatively called 'HAHARs' - historical artifact hit-and-runs - which experts believe has already claimed as many as 200 lives in the last century. Accordingly, HAHARs are believed by some to be the next phase of an ever-evolving global terrorism, with fears that casualties may escalate as political tension between the East and West heightens. But as yet, no specific organisation has taken responsibility for this tragedy.

Cheney Arrives to Satisfy the Australian Thirst for Positive Feedback

American Vice-President Dick Cheney will arrive in Australia next week for the express purpose of delivering, on behalf of President George Bush, the good news that Australia’s participation in Iraq has not gone to waste in the minds of the current American administration. Never mind that Cheney has an approval rating of 18% among the American public* --- he will make a speech on Friday to the Australian American Leadership Dialogue at the Shangri La Hotel to announce American approval.
And at the perfect time, too! He arrives just following John Howard’s denouncement of American Presidential candidate Barrack Obama’s policy for troop withdrawal, which sparked outrage at this obvious political slip-up.
Nevertheless, Australian-American relations aren’t looking so peachy, considering this low approval rating and the potential future of American politics. Perhaps the Australian government should focus on policies which benefit the Australian people, instead of passing judgement on other nations and their politics.

* - http://www.commondreams.org/views07/0208-31.htm

Poem of the Week - The Third Member, A Eulogy

We started a blog, it was called The New Juice
This was on the suggestion of a person named Luce

But once it began she forgot to write posts
And H and M had to write the most

She had even forgot the website address
And so The New Juice lacked Lucy's finesse

It was our dream to be media queens
Stars of the radio, the net, the screen

Now all of our hopes lie smashed on the floor
And writing this blog is kind of a chore

We know if she reads this, how she will condemn
'Oh, but dear friends, you've got a scansion problem!'

And while we are sad because this is true
At least we contribute to The Juice that is New.

Welcome to A New Juice with the New Year

Some of you, ie. our one reader Ellen, may have noticed a slowing down of post towards the end of 2006, and indeed the beginning of 2007. Speculation amongst our readers, ie. Ellen, was that this was because the writers of The New Juice were lazy and inept at writing (often, in fact, using two different forms of the word 'write' within a single sentence, now three).

Let us take this opportunity to refute that claim.

News at the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007 was extremely slow. Nothing happened. Parliament was out, regular bloggers on holidays, and most journalists setting out to write sentences couldn't think of good ways to end them, because nothing was happening, and were forced to make a comment on the fashion with which other journalists were ending their own sentences.

We at The New Juice refused to sink to the jouranlistic lows of the ABC, who were found one night to have reported on a rise in Bollywood Dance Classes only 10 minutes into their national nightly news program, and on another evening ran a five minute story about a man in China who raised a small sum for a small boy to have a small operation.

We do not report such trivial matters. When there is no news, we report nothing.

The New Juice: the only media corporation with any integrity round here.

Santa's Image Reinvented After Calls from the 'Obesity Awareness' Association

North Pole, ARTIC CIRCLE - In the weeks approaching Christmas this year, Santa's PR representative has responded to the Obesity Awareness Association's calls for a 'healthier, thinner' reinvention of the traditionally unhealthy and obese red-suited old man with the release of details of his personal diet and exercise regime. The careful revision of his traditionally overweight image has inspired a new range of diet-regime recipe books, with recipes including "Carb-Free Liquid Turkey" and "Muesli-Rich Non-Alcoholic Egg Nog".
In other news, the OAA has pledged its full support of the Muslim Ramadan tradition. Santa has also been enlisted by Weight Watchers for their post-Christmas advertising campaign later this year.

Milne Goes Mayne

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - In last week's Walkley Awards for Journalism, columnist Glen Milne infamously went the biff on Crikey.com.au's Stephan Mayne. Finally speaking this week, Milne said that he could "offer no excuses for [his] behaviour", but that he blamed the incident on "an unfortunate mixture of migraine pills with alcohol". He told The New Juice: "I've made it a policy not to respond to his provocations. These provocations include continually insulting my wife and putting a link to a website suggesting that I stalk women. I categorically deny this - it is all rubbish."
He also took the opportunity to apologise: "I apologise to Stephen and his family, to News Limited and to the public. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviour, and I absolutely regret it. On another note, I've had literally thousands of supportive emails and text messages. But what I did is wrong."

Summer Holidays Will Result in Higher Report-Worthy News, Reporter Declares

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - There is an expected increase in the amount of report-worthy stories over the summer holidays, states a New Juice reporter. However, the New Juice has denied that the trend towards higher amounts of dramatic, world-altering events during periods of low-to-medium workloads is a result of low-quality work ethics. Staunchly denying that the neglect of reports over the Spring was a result of prioritising activities, the New Juice blames a sheer paucity in news-worthy stories. Nevertheless, the New Juice expects an increase in worthwhile stories over the next few months, coincidentally coinciding with summer holidays.