McNaughty Caught On Charges Of Paedophilia

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Australians everywhere were stunned when Miss Universe Australia, Erin McNaught, entitled "McNaughty" for the scandal resulting from the numerous topless pictures of her in several magazines, was contacted by police regarding charges of paedophilia, yesterday. After the widespread news about her acceptance of the invitation of a boy 8-years her junior was discussed on various current affairs shows across the nation, the police have contacted her regarding her suspicious behaviour. In a situation vaguely resembling that of Michael Jackson's case last year, her victim has declined to speak publicly regarding his misuse and abuse. McNaught herself has stated, "I did nothing of the sort. I love children, but not in that way."
She then went on to say, "I have slept in a bed with many children," but added, "When you say 'bed,' you're thinking sexual. It's not sexual, we're going to sleep. I tuck them in...It's very charming, it's very sweet."
Reporters and the public alike were stunned with her immediate confession. Police then released a statement clearing her of all charges and suspicions.

George Eliot Is A Woman: Confusion Reigns

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - English classes were struck dumb today as a rumour started to spread that the author George Eliot was not a man, but in fact a woman. When this rumour proved to be true, several people were turned mute with incomprehension.
One of the few remaining students who could speak said, "But...How? Isn't George..."
Another student finished the sentence with "...a GUY'S name?!"
Apparently the concept of a 'pen name' is not contained in any of the Board of Studies' Area of Studies. However, it should be remembered that these students are very adept in analysing power plays and emotional journeys within Eliot's texts.
The Health Minister Tony Abbott has blamed Stem Cell Research for this, John Howard has blamed refugees, and Peter Debnam has blamed Morris Iemma.

Technological Uprising Wreaks Havoc On The Streets Of Sydney

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Household appliances all around Sydney have conducted a mass revolt against their owners and caused a riot in the streets. Over 1 000 casualties have been estimated as toasters, fridges and hair-dryers run wild on the streets of Australia's largest city, with many people fleeing the country in search of safe, appliance-free areas. News of the revolt has been slow-spreading, to the point of non-existance, due to problems with broadcasting and the uprising of televisions, radios and other communications technology. In a vague reflection of the apocalypse presented by The Day After Tomorrow, technology has run haywire leading many people homeless, applianceless, and, for those few Australians with the foresight to see this coming, nationless - recent revelations include reports that asylum seekers and refugees have been rejected from areas in the Middle East, Africa and South Asia.
In other news, the corpse of Joey Ramone, of The Ramones' fame, has risen from the dead after his alleged burial in a pet cemetary.
The New Juice reporting live from Sydney's CBD, with foot-pedal powered laptops and old-fashioned, quality reporting.

German Student Tries To Convince Herself That Singing Along To German Pop Is Studying

It isn't.

Teacher's Literacy Rates Questioned

Recent investigations into teacher's literacy rates have uncovered interesting results, with the majority proving themselves unable to distinguish between an "A" and an "E". With the recent uproar regarding school reports, most fears relate to the inability of teachers to communicate the success (or failure) of students within school. The implications of these findings remain confused and disorganised, but most experts believe nothing will change. There has been no speculation regarding the results' effects on student literacy rates.

Instruction to "Burn CD" Causes Tragic Housefire

Kansas, USA - A woman in her late 50's has caused a housefire which killed three based on a misunderstanding. After playing a Billy Joel CD for her younger colleague at work on Friday she was requested quite vivaciously to "burn it for me".
"It was odd," the unnamed woman said, "because I really thought she liked Billy Joel. And she didn't own this CD. Plus, there are easier ways of destroying CDs than to set fire to them."
In order to appear to her colleague as if she was still "young" and "hip", she proceeded to set fire to it that night. A spark set her tweed ankle skirt on fire, which in turn set her house and five children on fire. Three of the children died.
She will appear in court this morning charged with Being Out Of Touch.

Marginalised Groups Forced To Resort To Ordinary Clothing After This Season's Fashion Revealed

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - The recent trend towards comfortable clothes in Australian society has meant unfashionable people have had to make extra efforts towards appearing uncool. With tracksuits and ugg-boots remaining In for another month, and the "Unfashionable" featuring on this season's catwalk, nerds and other marginalised groups have been faced with the dilemma of finding something to wear that isn't fashionable. While many have resorted to plain, mono-coloured shirts and jeans, the rest are forced to choose between outrageously boring outfits and last season's sales items.
In other fashion news, police arrests for indecent exposure have increased dramatically with this trend, as crazed fashion addicts join in the never-ending competition to follow the "comfortable" trend. Thankfully, fashion experts predict next season will herald the renaissance of bubble-wrap and other stationary items on the catwalks of Milan, Paris and Sydney.

Othello Neither Noble Moor Nor Brutal Egotist

CYPRUS - Responding to recent rumours that he was either a Noble Moor or a Brutal Egotist, Othello has released a statement to the press via his publicist. In it, he says: "People keep putting all these labels on me. You all think you know me, especially English teachers. But you don't.
"I just wish everyone would stop analysing my every move. It's sick. My entire character cannot be summarised in just two words. You need at least three. And no, I do not have an eating disorder. I've just started eating right and working out.
"I'm a normal person too. All I want is to be left alone."
This has sparked thought that Othello may in fact be a Grumpy Old Bastard.

Philippa Gregory Writes Book In Which The Heroine Is Not A Manipulative Slut

Hammersmith, ENGLAND - In what is being termed a breakthrough for female-written historical fiction, Philippa Gregory has written a book which doesn't contain incest, kinky sex, or even extra-marital affairs. Instead, it features a princess who obeys her family, desires only her husband, and is only mildly pretty.
Historians documenting the movement of Historical Fiction have lauded it as a major development in the progress of this literary style. "Perhaps Philippa Gregory will even start to write books with less than 500 pages and which actually have some basis in history now. Who knows? This really could lead anywhere," said one professor.
However, as with any bold new move such as this, protests have begun to fly in from all round the globe.
"How could princes and princesses have existed without sleeping with animals, brothers and gardening items?" shouted a very angry woman, burning an effigy of Gregory. "I refuse to believe it. This moral and faithful character is completely baseless and without evidence. This is not how I like my Hi-Fi."*
Meanwhile, this could have serious effects on the development of an internet blog, based on Gregory's work, entitled The Old Juice. According to one member of the blog team, "Marriage and fidelity simply are not juicy enough. We are going to have to switch to the author of The Borgia Bride or something."


*'Hi-Fi' is an insider's term for Historical Fiction.

Maths Teacher Fails To Incite Revolution

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - A Maths Teacher has attempted to incite a global revolution, and failed due to never-before-seen levels of apathy. This is surprising considering the nature of her revolution was not the run-of-the-mill political revolution, it was a grammatical one.
"I just wish everyone would learn to say a pair of compasses," she said in a statement released to an apathetic press. "When my students are constructing circles, they always say, 'I'm going to get my compass out of my pencil case'. A compass is actually a device used to demonstrate where north is. What they need is a pair of compasses."
While studies have proven her to be quite correct, studies have also proven that nine out of ten students prefer listening to the music of Barry Manilow than considering the grammatically correct names for the implements in their geometry kits. And that is truly saying something.
In other news, nobody cares.

Welcome To The New Juice

Who are you?
We're not entirely sure yet.

What are you doing?
Yet to be decided.

What is this place?
A blog.

Do I smell?
Yes.

Do you make really innappropriate and slightly funny jokes?
Yes.

Can you spell?
Cleerly, no.

Are you slightly annoying, vaguely repetitive and almost arrogant?
Obviously not. I mean, if I was annoying, I would keep adding on this post. Repetitiveness would also result from this. Of course, I'm not arrogant either. I would never be arrogant. I'm just too good for that.

We do, however, refuse to take any responsibility for any of the comments made on this website - anything stated is completely fictional and intended to remain so, at least in the near future. For further information, contact us at thenewjuice@gmail.com

Is the above email correct?
Not at all.
The correct email is in fact...thenewjuicers@gmail.com
This is from memory however, and may or may not be correct.