Bushfire Destroys AWB Building

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Fast winds and blistering heat in Sydney's CBD yesterday caused the destruction of the AWB building. Luckily all other buildings and houses were spared, although this did not stop several people from standing on top of buildings, topless, beer-gutted and holding hoses. Surprisingly this building was the only one destroyed yesterday in the whole country, but Government Fire Experts blamed this on a lack of back-burning in the city's centre.
"We'll certainly be doing a lot of backburning in the city now because of this great tragedy. It's really cost the government loads of money," said the Government Fire Chief, Alexander Downer.

Latin Not Completely Useless

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - A teenage girl has reported today actually using her knowledge of Latin. Having learnt Latin for the past six years, she had found that definitions of 'subjunctive' and 'pluperfect' had never made their way into practical life. Last week, however, she decided to relax and watched an episode of the television programme Buffy The Vampire Slayer. In this episode, a spell was cast using Latin. She recognised two words, allowing her to predict the plot of the episode. Because of this, Latin share prices have risen by 5c, while Coles Myer continues to fall.

One Person Actually Likes Paris Hilton's Album

Algiers, ALGERIA - An Algerian national, Raoul Mahatma, 45, has today confessed he likes Paris Hilton's new album, particularly her hit single "Stars are Blind."
"Yes, that's right. I do enjoy listening to her on the bus and when I'm in the bath. She's quite talented, and very beautiful. I wish I could meet her."
The Make A Wish Foundation have contacted the heiress about his dreams, and her publicist has refused to comment. Miss Hilton herself has come out, and said, "I love my fans," and with regards to Mr Mahatma, "perhaps not that one."
Mahatma has not yet received a reply regarding the invitation he sent to her, for his Year 12 Formal.

lonelygirl14 Pissed Off

YouTube, CYBERSPACE - The YouTube user lonelygirl14 is reportedly extremely angry after the extreme amount of publicity lonelygirl15 has received. The lonelygirl15 saga, involving a production team filming a fictitious 'vlog' (video blog) about a girl called Bree and portraying it as truth, has received an extraordinary amount of attention from the world, with articles about her appearing in Time, The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune, to name just a few international publications. Speculation about her Satanist tendencies and her relationship with other YouTube user 'danielbeast' have been some of the most-typed-about subjects on the net for a few weeks.
But user lonelygirl14 has come out, causing a new scandal.
"i had da username lonelygirl 1st, or at least 14th, which is more than I can say 4 lonelygirl15," she typed on her official webpage.
"i am also a satanist 2. i heart da devil."
She has also demanded a Wikipedia page, but apathy is all she has received.

Othello Rhymes With Oh Hell No! - Coincidence?

Cyprus - Critics have discovered, some 500 years after the Bard's death, what may be a crucial element in interpreting the complex character of Othello: his name rhymes with the phrase "Oh Hell No!" This phrase has often been employed by students when told to memorise quotes, act out Desdemona's death scene or psychoanalyse Iago from a feminist perspective, but critics have only just realised the important link between this phrase and Othello's motivations.
"We'd spent so long reading the play over and over, analysing every single semi colon to try to find an ounce of meaning, that I think we missed a simply critical element so popular in Shakespeare's works," said Michael Cass, one Oxford scholar. "That element is rhyme."
The simple phrase "Oh Hell No!" provides a fitting explanation for many of Othello's actions, according to Cass.
"Iago wants to be his lieutenant: Oh Hell No! Cassio gets drunk and wants to remain his lieutenant: Oh Hell No! Will he allow Desdemona to cheat on him with said drunkard? Oh Hell No!"
In another twist of irony demonstrating how relevant Shakespeare still is to the masses, "Oh Hell No!" is a phrase associated in the modern context with black Americans.

New Juicer Writes Shit Article To Capitalise On Aussie Icons' Deaths

See below.

People Surprised When Crocodile Hunter and Racing Car Driver Die

Canberra, AUSTRALIA - A large proportion of the Australian population has registered as being "surprised" or "shocked" at the deaths of Steve Irwin and Peter Brock. Steve Irwin was a passionate conservationist, who had a passion for dangerous animals and often placed himself in dangerous situations. In fact, he was famous as a crocodile hunter. Peter Brock was well-known for driving cars around steep turns ridiculously quickly. That these occupations could cause the deaths of these two great Australians was naturally a thought which many Australians never considered.

People Who Wear Converse Shoes Are Conforming, Too

San Diego, USA - In a stunning expose, The New Juice exclusively reports that people who claim to be alternative and breaking the mould are in fact mainstream and fitting the mould. In a confusing cultural mix-up, being alternative/emo/punk/grunge/goth has become "cool" although by definition these things are "anti-cool". Cultural analysists are scratching their heads as they try to figure out where those people who were once "cool" but don't embrace the new "cool", that is, "anti-cool" but still maintain themselves to be "cool" fit in, because to be "cool" one must fit in by definition, but as they stand out by not fitting in to trying to stand out, they cannot be "cool", although not "anti-cool" either.
In other news, several New Juice reporters have died of confusion.

McDonald's Succeeds in Company Body Image Law Suit

Washington, USA - Today, American fast-food chain McDonald's has made world history through winning their law suit against 10 000 American citizens, with their claims that these citizens' complaints and suggestions have forced the enormous restaurant chain to change its image and limited the life of the company. The recent victories of obese Americans suing the company for "making them fat" inspired McDonald's to review its legal activities, and looked towards making profits in different fields. The legal firm alligned with McDonald's ltd., Fat and Fatter, advised the company to follow a similar path and earn money leeching off other people, by blaming them for the company's own problems. The successful action has resulted in a total of US$5 billion compensation to be paid by the 10 000 Americans involved.
In the media conference, held after the court's decision was announced, the McDonald's representative stated simply, "We have had justice here today. We were ecstatic when, after months of having messages to "Slim Down" drummed into our heads over and over again, we finally realised what this meant. Forcing us to become something that we shouldn't be, well... It's a crime! And as such, we should receive full compensation."

Novelty of Blog Wears Off

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Reporters for The New Juice have reported a slump in enthusiasm for writing articles for their online blog, aptly titled The New Juice. 19 posts in, production is at an all-time low. This matches figures collected worldwide for the regularity with which blogs are written.
In other news, reporters for The New Juice have also been forced to start using their own lives as inspiration when they feel guilty they haven't written an article but used up all their ideas in the first two weeks of the blog's existence.

Australians Not Interested in News About Brad Pitt

Los Angeles, USA - The media was shocked to discover today that fans really don't care who Brad Pitt loves. While young women everywhere were delighted when the extraordinarily attractive Pitt married the ordinary Jenifer Aniston, and were shocked when he subsequently dumped her for the similarly extraordinary attraction of Angelina Jolie, recent polls have uncovered the truth about audience interest in this subject.
"Approximately 90% of ordinary Australians have no interest whatsoever in Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's relationship, with a further 9% unlikely to pay money to hear about it. An astouding 80% of Australians wouldn't read about it if they were paid," stated a shocked media representative for New Idea today. "I'm unsure what the implications of this discovery will be in terms of our focus."
There was, however, no surprise when Brad Pitt anounced his love for himself, although 100% of Australians recorded themselves as 'completely disinterested' in this story.

Steve Irwin: A Life On the Edge

Queensland, AUSTRALIA - Steve Irwin has been reported dead at the age of 44. This man contributed nothing much to Australian culture except some extreme stereotypes and the general sighs heard when he said "Crikey" but will be missed all the same. His wife is inconsolable, but his daughter is said to be quite relieved and the chances of her living a long life have been increased.
He had it coming.

Voluptuous Woman Discovered To Be Fat

Milan, ITALY - A woman who had previously claimed to be 'voluptuous' and 'curvaceous' has been discovered to actually be 'fat'. She had disguised herself as the most desirable woman on earth by using phrases such as "Guys don't want sticks, they want something to hold on to" and "Real women have curves". Her fatness was discovered by an Italian Special Agent, who observed her for weeks before deciding that three tubs of ice cream a night and bacon and eggs every day for breakfast was making her obese, and she did not have a 'natural figure' as claimed.

Bridge A Moral Wasteland

Melbourne, AUSTRALIA - According to the Victoria Police Commissioner in a statement made today, Police last night discovered an underground drug black market in one of Melbourne's well-to-do areas: in the Bridge Club. Hundreds of elderly people for years have attended the Bridge Club, using the excuse that they "need to keep [their] minds sharp". What was unknown until last night was that they were also keeping their needles sharp.
Prostitution was also discovered to be a common occurence, with women as old as 94 resorting to this occupation in order to maintain living conditions. "The Aged Care department really isn't up to scratch, said one 78-year-old. "Bridge is a really good way to meet new clients."
Bridge is a culture rife with double entendres and euphemisms, such as "Deal my cards" and "Give me some Viagra, please". The double meaning of the word "Bridge" is still unclear.

Der Neue Saft Ist Doof

Berlin, DEUTSCHLAND - Die Leute, die fuer "Der Neue Saft" schreiben, sind haesslicher als ein Affes Arsch. Gluecklicherweise sind sie auch dumm: sie koennen kein Deutsch verstehen und deshalb kann ich alles im Welt schreiben. Die Deutschen sehen ganz schoen aus.

Translation
Berlin, GERMANY - According to the German government, the wrap up after the World Cup this year has been a positive one. The only negative aspect has been the flow of rubbish left in the capital city. Otherwise, the world has come to discover the true nature of the Germans - humorous and lively.

Germans Prove Ugly Babies Stay Ugly

Berlin, GERMANY - Today, German scientists proved that the age-old saying "Ugly babies become beautiful adults" is incorrect. The findings of the 80-year study with a sample of 10 000 Germans have been released, and the interesting results were discussed in a press conference with journalists from around the world. The New Juice was there, ready to bring our readers the most update scientific discoveries on a daily basis.
Heinrich VonLeibenbeiben and his crew of 10 scientists, from many different areas of the scientific world, answered many questions about this whirlwind discovery. "For a very long time," VonLeibenbeiben stated in German, "people have believed ugly babies grew into beautiful adults. This provided comfort for mothers around the world, but all in ignorance. The truth is, ugly babies remain ugly until they die. Our samples clearly show this." 99% of the ugly babies remained ugly until the age of 80. "The 1% change-rate is not enough to have any significance in the scientific world."
Scientists have yet to prove whether these findings have anything to do with the relative unattractiveness of Germans.

Madness Rife in Religious Fringe Group

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - The Department of Health and Ageing has recently reported disproportionately high incidences of mental illness amongst members of the religious group Jews for Jesus. Experts believe the destabilised mental state found in the adherents of this organisation is due to identity crises stemming from their inability to decide whether the Messiah is coming or going.
The organisation's members, despite claiming to be Jewish, purport that Jesus was the Messiah, and that he has already been and gone, absolving the world of its sins in the process. Although they profess to have no views regarding Zionism, people still throw stones at them.
Theological Psychiatrist and prominent member of the Jewish community Dr. Jacob Bloomberg believes that such religious indecision is leading to extreme confusion amongst the members of Jews for Jesus, who although few in number nonetheless have the highest percentage of mental diseases amongst religious groups. "Largely unaccepted by the Jewish community," he says, "and confused by the lack of free food at Christian services, Jews for Jesus is leading its followers down the path to anxiety and even schizophrenia – many Jews for Jesus report having frequent nightmares of the Messiah coming again.
"They also tend to report feeling more stressed on account of having to constantly explain their religious stance to the confused," he adds.
In response to the crisis within the organisation, Jews for Jesus is planning kibbutz-inspired retreats within three-kilometre radii of Hillsong churches, in order to prevent more observant members from having to walk far to follow Christ.

Ugly Old Men Still Think They Have It

California, USA - The latest census has revealed a dramatic rise in men of the 50-64 age bracket considering themselves as "still sexy". It has also revealed low numbers of women in all age brackets finding men of the 50-64 age bracket who consider themselves "still sexy" sexy.
Statiticians have theorised that perhaps this discrepancy has been caused by male singers, like Tom Jones and Rod Stewart, continuing to sing classics from their youth, such as Jones' "You Can Leave Your Hat On" and "You Sexy Thing" and Stewart's "Do You Think I'm Sexy?", ignoring 50% of the population's resounding "NO!".
Interestingly, a separate study has concluded that more women find the 76-year-old Sean Connery sexy than find the 61-year-old Rod Stewart sexy.