Bush Has Epiphany

Washington, USA - George W. Bush today realised that his surname spelt backwards is HSUB. He called in the nation's top linguists to decide upon a way to pronounce this. The main point of contention was the third letter - U - and whether this should be pronounced as a hard or a soft vowel, but after several hours of heated debate chaired by the President himself, a soft U was decided upon. Because of the phonetic similarity of this new word to common slang for Substitute Teachers and Submarines, any dissent against these two things has been listed in the Patriot Act as being distinctly Anti-American.
Meanwhile, Condoleeza Rice dealt with the issues of nuclear tests in North Korea, mid-term elections and falling support for the Iraq War.

Emo Band Sings Happy Song

New York, AMERICA - Musical analysts have been left scratching their heads after an Emo band released a song called "I Love You And You Love Me". The band, whose string of recent hits have included (When I Think About You) I Cut Myself, I Write Poems Because I Have Feelings and You Were The One Who Drove Me To Cover Half My Face With My Hair And Write Songs With Pretenciously Long Titles, are yet to release a statement about this latest tune.
Bob Dwyer, writer for Rolling Stone magazine, tells The New Juice about the confusion faced by him and his colleagues after hearing the title of this latest tune: "At first we thought it was a black irony, and that the second line would be 'But you still don't understand meeeeeee', but then we realised that Emo bands haven't really grasped irony. Or, for that matter, any form of subtlety."
Cultural predictors have also been shaken by this change in direction. "I feel lost," said one. "I feel like there's no safety blanket there to support me any more. So I'm going home to listen to some of their earlier stuff, write some poetry and cut myself."

Today Tonight Reports On Actual News Story

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Australian Current Affairs show, Today Tonight, has completed a story based on an actual current affair.
Its rival Current Affairs show, titled - originally - A Current Affair, has reacted by accusing Today Tonight of ripping off taxpayers and playing too many computer games.

Jihad on Sandwiches

Washington, USA - A well-respected American newspaper has reported that all Muslims in the world have declared jihad on sandwiches. A reporter was alerted to this alarming fact after he observed a bearded man order a sandwich at a street cafe. The man only ate a small portion of this sandwich before leaving the cafe. He did not have a woman with him and was carrying a briefcase, the contents of which remain unknown, yet several intelligence reporters have speculated that it may have contained top-secret documents or a disguise.
The waitress at the cafe was visibly shaken. "I understand they've got a different culture, but doesn't htat mean they should stay out of America? We come here for freedom! Was my sandwich not good enough for him? What will happen next - will he demand that I wear a veil?!" she cried to the undercover reporter.
This latest jihad has prompted calls for the U.S. Government to invade North Korea.

Downer Denies That Survey Holds Clout

Canberra, AUSTRALIA - A poll carried out by foreign policy think tank The Lowy Institute For International Policy has discovered that two thirds of Australians do not believe that the war in Iraq will lead to the spread of democracy throughout the Middle East. 84% disagree with the statement "The threat of terrorism has been reduced by the war". Furthermore, 91% believe that the war has worsened America's relations with the Muslim world.
National Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has today played down the importance and relevance of these results.
"The Lowy Institute has really not been asking the vital questions. Yes, we know all our reasons for entering into this war were wrong. Alright, we get it. But we can't look back now - we've got to look toward the future. The survey has really missed out the critical question: 'Do Australians think that we should, like wimps, surrender from Iraq, and allow those wife-raping, child-killing, bearded terrorists to take over the country again and threaten every single Australian's well-being, health and very way of life?' No, they didn't ask that question! And that's the important one. Australians wouldn't want Iraqis to have to put up with word-twisting, censoring idiots being in charge of their country!"

Mysterious Shortage of Females on the Streets of Istanbul

Istanbul, TURKEY - The dramatic shortfall of female Turks has recently come to the attention of a number of Turkish scientists carrying out a demographic investigation this week. Research has shown that male Turks outnumber their female counterparts by at least 135 to 2, as was the case presented by their press release of information collected during their 5 month research project. An advertising campaign targeting female tourists into the country has done little to rectify this situation. Further investigation into this phenomenon and its possible remedies will be done over the next few months. The New Juice will keep you up to date, if it is not cruising on the Bosphorus River, when more information becomes available.