Santa's Image Reinvented After Calls from the 'Obesity Awareness' Association

North Pole, ARTIC CIRCLE - In the weeks approaching Christmas this year, Santa's PR representative has responded to the Obesity Awareness Association's calls for a 'healthier, thinner' reinvention of the traditionally unhealthy and obese red-suited old man with the release of details of his personal diet and exercise regime. The careful revision of his traditionally overweight image has inspired a new range of diet-regime recipe books, with recipes including "Carb-Free Liquid Turkey" and "Muesli-Rich Non-Alcoholic Egg Nog".
In other news, the OAA has pledged its full support of the Muslim Ramadan tradition. Santa has also been enlisted by Weight Watchers for their post-Christmas advertising campaign later this year.

Milne Goes Mayne

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - In last week's Walkley Awards for Journalism, columnist Glen Milne infamously went the biff on Crikey.com.au's Stephan Mayne. Finally speaking this week, Milne said that he could "offer no excuses for [his] behaviour", but that he blamed the incident on "an unfortunate mixture of migraine pills with alcohol". He told The New Juice: "I've made it a policy not to respond to his provocations. These provocations include continually insulting my wife and putting a link to a website suggesting that I stalk women. I categorically deny this - it is all rubbish."
He also took the opportunity to apologise: "I apologise to Stephen and his family, to News Limited and to the public. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviour, and I absolutely regret it. On another note, I've had literally thousands of supportive emails and text messages. But what I did is wrong."

Summer Holidays Will Result in Higher Report-Worthy News, Reporter Declares

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - There is an expected increase in the amount of report-worthy stories over the summer holidays, states a New Juice reporter. However, the New Juice has denied that the trend towards higher amounts of dramatic, world-altering events during periods of low-to-medium workloads is a result of low-quality work ethics. Staunchly denying that the neglect of reports over the Spring was a result of prioritising activities, the New Juice blames a sheer paucity in news-worthy stories. Nevertheless, the New Juice expects an increase in worthwhile stories over the next few months, coincidentally coinciding with summer holidays.

Nobody Knows What MSN Stands For

London, UK - In survey released today, it has been discovered that not a single person in the world knows what the "MSN" in "MSN Messenger" stood for. One teacher suggested that it might be an acronym for "Majorly Serious Nuisance". Several students volunteered that it was internet abbreviation for "messin'", although none of them could explain the meaning or relevance of this word.
Advertisers using the service thought it was an acronym for "Money Starts Now".

Bush Has Epiphany

Washington, USA - George W. Bush today realised that his surname spelt backwards is HSUB. He called in the nation's top linguists to decide upon a way to pronounce this. The main point of contention was the third letter - U - and whether this should be pronounced as a hard or a soft vowel, but after several hours of heated debate chaired by the President himself, a soft U was decided upon. Because of the phonetic similarity of this new word to common slang for Substitute Teachers and Submarines, any dissent against these two things has been listed in the Patriot Act as being distinctly Anti-American.
Meanwhile, Condoleeza Rice dealt with the issues of nuclear tests in North Korea, mid-term elections and falling support for the Iraq War.

Emo Band Sings Happy Song

New York, AMERICA - Musical analysts have been left scratching their heads after an Emo band released a song called "I Love You And You Love Me". The band, whose string of recent hits have included (When I Think About You) I Cut Myself, I Write Poems Because I Have Feelings and You Were The One Who Drove Me To Cover Half My Face With My Hair And Write Songs With Pretenciously Long Titles, are yet to release a statement about this latest tune.
Bob Dwyer, writer for Rolling Stone magazine, tells The New Juice about the confusion faced by him and his colleagues after hearing the title of this latest tune: "At first we thought it was a black irony, and that the second line would be 'But you still don't understand meeeeeee', but then we realised that Emo bands haven't really grasped irony. Or, for that matter, any form of subtlety."
Cultural predictors have also been shaken by this change in direction. "I feel lost," said one. "I feel like there's no safety blanket there to support me any more. So I'm going home to listen to some of their earlier stuff, write some poetry and cut myself."

Today Tonight Reports On Actual News Story

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Australian Current Affairs show, Today Tonight, has completed a story based on an actual current affair.
Its rival Current Affairs show, titled - originally - A Current Affair, has reacted by accusing Today Tonight of ripping off taxpayers and playing too many computer games.

Jihad on Sandwiches

Washington, USA - A well-respected American newspaper has reported that all Muslims in the world have declared jihad on sandwiches. A reporter was alerted to this alarming fact after he observed a bearded man order a sandwich at a street cafe. The man only ate a small portion of this sandwich before leaving the cafe. He did not have a woman with him and was carrying a briefcase, the contents of which remain unknown, yet several intelligence reporters have speculated that it may have contained top-secret documents or a disguise.
The waitress at the cafe was visibly shaken. "I understand they've got a different culture, but doesn't htat mean they should stay out of America? We come here for freedom! Was my sandwich not good enough for him? What will happen next - will he demand that I wear a veil?!" she cried to the undercover reporter.
This latest jihad has prompted calls for the U.S. Government to invade North Korea.

Downer Denies That Survey Holds Clout

Canberra, AUSTRALIA - A poll carried out by foreign policy think tank The Lowy Institute For International Policy has discovered that two thirds of Australians do not believe that the war in Iraq will lead to the spread of democracy throughout the Middle East. 84% disagree with the statement "The threat of terrorism has been reduced by the war". Furthermore, 91% believe that the war has worsened America's relations with the Muslim world.
National Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has today played down the importance and relevance of these results.
"The Lowy Institute has really not been asking the vital questions. Yes, we know all our reasons for entering into this war were wrong. Alright, we get it. But we can't look back now - we've got to look toward the future. The survey has really missed out the critical question: 'Do Australians think that we should, like wimps, surrender from Iraq, and allow those wife-raping, child-killing, bearded terrorists to take over the country again and threaten every single Australian's well-being, health and very way of life?' No, they didn't ask that question! And that's the important one. Australians wouldn't want Iraqis to have to put up with word-twisting, censoring idiots being in charge of their country!"

Mysterious Shortage of Females on the Streets of Istanbul

Istanbul, TURKEY - The dramatic shortfall of female Turks has recently come to the attention of a number of Turkish scientists carrying out a demographic investigation this week. Research has shown that male Turks outnumber their female counterparts by at least 135 to 2, as was the case presented by their press release of information collected during their 5 month research project. An advertising campaign targeting female tourists into the country has done little to rectify this situation. Further investigation into this phenomenon and its possible remedies will be done over the next few months. The New Juice will keep you up to date, if it is not cruising on the Bosphorus River, when more information becomes available.

Bushfire Destroys AWB Building

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Fast winds and blistering heat in Sydney's CBD yesterday caused the destruction of the AWB building. Luckily all other buildings and houses were spared, although this did not stop several people from standing on top of buildings, topless, beer-gutted and holding hoses. Surprisingly this building was the only one destroyed yesterday in the whole country, but Government Fire Experts blamed this on a lack of back-burning in the city's centre.
"We'll certainly be doing a lot of backburning in the city now because of this great tragedy. It's really cost the government loads of money," said the Government Fire Chief, Alexander Downer.

Latin Not Completely Useless

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - A teenage girl has reported today actually using her knowledge of Latin. Having learnt Latin for the past six years, she had found that definitions of 'subjunctive' and 'pluperfect' had never made their way into practical life. Last week, however, she decided to relax and watched an episode of the television programme Buffy The Vampire Slayer. In this episode, a spell was cast using Latin. She recognised two words, allowing her to predict the plot of the episode. Because of this, Latin share prices have risen by 5c, while Coles Myer continues to fall.

One Person Actually Likes Paris Hilton's Album

Algiers, ALGERIA - An Algerian national, Raoul Mahatma, 45, has today confessed he likes Paris Hilton's new album, particularly her hit single "Stars are Blind."
"Yes, that's right. I do enjoy listening to her on the bus and when I'm in the bath. She's quite talented, and very beautiful. I wish I could meet her."
The Make A Wish Foundation have contacted the heiress about his dreams, and her publicist has refused to comment. Miss Hilton herself has come out, and said, "I love my fans," and with regards to Mr Mahatma, "perhaps not that one."
Mahatma has not yet received a reply regarding the invitation he sent to her, for his Year 12 Formal.

lonelygirl14 Pissed Off

YouTube, CYBERSPACE - The YouTube user lonelygirl14 is reportedly extremely angry after the extreme amount of publicity lonelygirl15 has received. The lonelygirl15 saga, involving a production team filming a fictitious 'vlog' (video blog) about a girl called Bree and portraying it as truth, has received an extraordinary amount of attention from the world, with articles about her appearing in Time, The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune, to name just a few international publications. Speculation about her Satanist tendencies and her relationship with other YouTube user 'danielbeast' have been some of the most-typed-about subjects on the net for a few weeks.
But user lonelygirl14 has come out, causing a new scandal.
"i had da username lonelygirl 1st, or at least 14th, which is more than I can say 4 lonelygirl15," she typed on her official webpage.
"i am also a satanist 2. i heart da devil."
She has also demanded a Wikipedia page, but apathy is all she has received.

Othello Rhymes With Oh Hell No! - Coincidence?

Cyprus - Critics have discovered, some 500 years after the Bard's death, what may be a crucial element in interpreting the complex character of Othello: his name rhymes with the phrase "Oh Hell No!" This phrase has often been employed by students when told to memorise quotes, act out Desdemona's death scene or psychoanalyse Iago from a feminist perspective, but critics have only just realised the important link between this phrase and Othello's motivations.
"We'd spent so long reading the play over and over, analysing every single semi colon to try to find an ounce of meaning, that I think we missed a simply critical element so popular in Shakespeare's works," said Michael Cass, one Oxford scholar. "That element is rhyme."
The simple phrase "Oh Hell No!" provides a fitting explanation for many of Othello's actions, according to Cass.
"Iago wants to be his lieutenant: Oh Hell No! Cassio gets drunk and wants to remain his lieutenant: Oh Hell No! Will he allow Desdemona to cheat on him with said drunkard? Oh Hell No!"
In another twist of irony demonstrating how relevant Shakespeare still is to the masses, "Oh Hell No!" is a phrase associated in the modern context with black Americans.

New Juicer Writes Shit Article To Capitalise On Aussie Icons' Deaths

See below.

People Surprised When Crocodile Hunter and Racing Car Driver Die

Canberra, AUSTRALIA - A large proportion of the Australian population has registered as being "surprised" or "shocked" at the deaths of Steve Irwin and Peter Brock. Steve Irwin was a passionate conservationist, who had a passion for dangerous animals and often placed himself in dangerous situations. In fact, he was famous as a crocodile hunter. Peter Brock was well-known for driving cars around steep turns ridiculously quickly. That these occupations could cause the deaths of these two great Australians was naturally a thought which many Australians never considered.

People Who Wear Converse Shoes Are Conforming, Too

San Diego, USA - In a stunning expose, The New Juice exclusively reports that people who claim to be alternative and breaking the mould are in fact mainstream and fitting the mould. In a confusing cultural mix-up, being alternative/emo/punk/grunge/goth has become "cool" although by definition these things are "anti-cool". Cultural analysists are scratching their heads as they try to figure out where those people who were once "cool" but don't embrace the new "cool", that is, "anti-cool" but still maintain themselves to be "cool" fit in, because to be "cool" one must fit in by definition, but as they stand out by not fitting in to trying to stand out, they cannot be "cool", although not "anti-cool" either.
In other news, several New Juice reporters have died of confusion.

McDonald's Succeeds in Company Body Image Law Suit

Washington, USA - Today, American fast-food chain McDonald's has made world history through winning their law suit against 10 000 American citizens, with their claims that these citizens' complaints and suggestions have forced the enormous restaurant chain to change its image and limited the life of the company. The recent victories of obese Americans suing the company for "making them fat" inspired McDonald's to review its legal activities, and looked towards making profits in different fields. The legal firm alligned with McDonald's ltd., Fat and Fatter, advised the company to follow a similar path and earn money leeching off other people, by blaming them for the company's own problems. The successful action has resulted in a total of US$5 billion compensation to be paid by the 10 000 Americans involved.
In the media conference, held after the court's decision was announced, the McDonald's representative stated simply, "We have had justice here today. We were ecstatic when, after months of having messages to "Slim Down" drummed into our heads over and over again, we finally realised what this meant. Forcing us to become something that we shouldn't be, well... It's a crime! And as such, we should receive full compensation."

Novelty of Blog Wears Off

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Reporters for The New Juice have reported a slump in enthusiasm for writing articles for their online blog, aptly titled The New Juice. 19 posts in, production is at an all-time low. This matches figures collected worldwide for the regularity with which blogs are written.
In other news, reporters for The New Juice have also been forced to start using their own lives as inspiration when they feel guilty they haven't written an article but used up all their ideas in the first two weeks of the blog's existence.

Australians Not Interested in News About Brad Pitt

Los Angeles, USA - The media was shocked to discover today that fans really don't care who Brad Pitt loves. While young women everywhere were delighted when the extraordinarily attractive Pitt married the ordinary Jenifer Aniston, and were shocked when he subsequently dumped her for the similarly extraordinary attraction of Angelina Jolie, recent polls have uncovered the truth about audience interest in this subject.
"Approximately 90% of ordinary Australians have no interest whatsoever in Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's relationship, with a further 9% unlikely to pay money to hear about it. An astouding 80% of Australians wouldn't read about it if they were paid," stated a shocked media representative for New Idea today. "I'm unsure what the implications of this discovery will be in terms of our focus."
There was, however, no surprise when Brad Pitt anounced his love for himself, although 100% of Australians recorded themselves as 'completely disinterested' in this story.

Steve Irwin: A Life On the Edge

Queensland, AUSTRALIA - Steve Irwin has been reported dead at the age of 44. This man contributed nothing much to Australian culture except some extreme stereotypes and the general sighs heard when he said "Crikey" but will be missed all the same. His wife is inconsolable, but his daughter is said to be quite relieved and the chances of her living a long life have been increased.
He had it coming.

Voluptuous Woman Discovered To Be Fat

Milan, ITALY - A woman who had previously claimed to be 'voluptuous' and 'curvaceous' has been discovered to actually be 'fat'. She had disguised herself as the most desirable woman on earth by using phrases such as "Guys don't want sticks, they want something to hold on to" and "Real women have curves". Her fatness was discovered by an Italian Special Agent, who observed her for weeks before deciding that three tubs of ice cream a night and bacon and eggs every day for breakfast was making her obese, and she did not have a 'natural figure' as claimed.

Bridge A Moral Wasteland

Melbourne, AUSTRALIA - According to the Victoria Police Commissioner in a statement made today, Police last night discovered an underground drug black market in one of Melbourne's well-to-do areas: in the Bridge Club. Hundreds of elderly people for years have attended the Bridge Club, using the excuse that they "need to keep [their] minds sharp". What was unknown until last night was that they were also keeping their needles sharp.
Prostitution was also discovered to be a common occurence, with women as old as 94 resorting to this occupation in order to maintain living conditions. "The Aged Care department really isn't up to scratch, said one 78-year-old. "Bridge is a really good way to meet new clients."
Bridge is a culture rife with double entendres and euphemisms, such as "Deal my cards" and "Give me some Viagra, please". The double meaning of the word "Bridge" is still unclear.

Der Neue Saft Ist Doof

Berlin, DEUTSCHLAND - Die Leute, die fuer "Der Neue Saft" schreiben, sind haesslicher als ein Affes Arsch. Gluecklicherweise sind sie auch dumm: sie koennen kein Deutsch verstehen und deshalb kann ich alles im Welt schreiben. Die Deutschen sehen ganz schoen aus.

Translation
Berlin, GERMANY - According to the German government, the wrap up after the World Cup this year has been a positive one. The only negative aspect has been the flow of rubbish left in the capital city. Otherwise, the world has come to discover the true nature of the Germans - humorous and lively.

Germans Prove Ugly Babies Stay Ugly

Berlin, GERMANY - Today, German scientists proved that the age-old saying "Ugly babies become beautiful adults" is incorrect. The findings of the 80-year study with a sample of 10 000 Germans have been released, and the interesting results were discussed in a press conference with journalists from around the world. The New Juice was there, ready to bring our readers the most update scientific discoveries on a daily basis.
Heinrich VonLeibenbeiben and his crew of 10 scientists, from many different areas of the scientific world, answered many questions about this whirlwind discovery. "For a very long time," VonLeibenbeiben stated in German, "people have believed ugly babies grew into beautiful adults. This provided comfort for mothers around the world, but all in ignorance. The truth is, ugly babies remain ugly until they die. Our samples clearly show this." 99% of the ugly babies remained ugly until the age of 80. "The 1% change-rate is not enough to have any significance in the scientific world."
Scientists have yet to prove whether these findings have anything to do with the relative unattractiveness of Germans.

Madness Rife in Religious Fringe Group

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - The Department of Health and Ageing has recently reported disproportionately high incidences of mental illness amongst members of the religious group Jews for Jesus. Experts believe the destabilised mental state found in the adherents of this organisation is due to identity crises stemming from their inability to decide whether the Messiah is coming or going.
The organisation's members, despite claiming to be Jewish, purport that Jesus was the Messiah, and that he has already been and gone, absolving the world of its sins in the process. Although they profess to have no views regarding Zionism, people still throw stones at them.
Theological Psychiatrist and prominent member of the Jewish community Dr. Jacob Bloomberg believes that such religious indecision is leading to extreme confusion amongst the members of Jews for Jesus, who although few in number nonetheless have the highest percentage of mental diseases amongst religious groups. "Largely unaccepted by the Jewish community," he says, "and confused by the lack of free food at Christian services, Jews for Jesus is leading its followers down the path to anxiety and even schizophrenia – many Jews for Jesus report having frequent nightmares of the Messiah coming again.
"They also tend to report feeling more stressed on account of having to constantly explain their religious stance to the confused," he adds.
In response to the crisis within the organisation, Jews for Jesus is planning kibbutz-inspired retreats within three-kilometre radii of Hillsong churches, in order to prevent more observant members from having to walk far to follow Christ.

Ugly Old Men Still Think They Have It

California, USA - The latest census has revealed a dramatic rise in men of the 50-64 age bracket considering themselves as "still sexy". It has also revealed low numbers of women in all age brackets finding men of the 50-64 age bracket who consider themselves "still sexy" sexy.
Statiticians have theorised that perhaps this discrepancy has been caused by male singers, like Tom Jones and Rod Stewart, continuing to sing classics from their youth, such as Jones' "You Can Leave Your Hat On" and "You Sexy Thing" and Stewart's "Do You Think I'm Sexy?", ignoring 50% of the population's resounding "NO!".
Interestingly, a separate study has concluded that more women find the 76-year-old Sean Connery sexy than find the 61-year-old Rod Stewart sexy.

McNaughty Caught On Charges Of Paedophilia

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Australians everywhere were stunned when Miss Universe Australia, Erin McNaught, entitled "McNaughty" for the scandal resulting from the numerous topless pictures of her in several magazines, was contacted by police regarding charges of paedophilia, yesterday. After the widespread news about her acceptance of the invitation of a boy 8-years her junior was discussed on various current affairs shows across the nation, the police have contacted her regarding her suspicious behaviour. In a situation vaguely resembling that of Michael Jackson's case last year, her victim has declined to speak publicly regarding his misuse and abuse. McNaught herself has stated, "I did nothing of the sort. I love children, but not in that way."
She then went on to say, "I have slept in a bed with many children," but added, "When you say 'bed,' you're thinking sexual. It's not sexual, we're going to sleep. I tuck them in...It's very charming, it's very sweet."
Reporters and the public alike were stunned with her immediate confession. Police then released a statement clearing her of all charges and suspicions.

George Eliot Is A Woman: Confusion Reigns

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - English classes were struck dumb today as a rumour started to spread that the author George Eliot was not a man, but in fact a woman. When this rumour proved to be true, several people were turned mute with incomprehension.
One of the few remaining students who could speak said, "But...How? Isn't George..."
Another student finished the sentence with "...a GUY'S name?!"
Apparently the concept of a 'pen name' is not contained in any of the Board of Studies' Area of Studies. However, it should be remembered that these students are very adept in analysing power plays and emotional journeys within Eliot's texts.
The Health Minister Tony Abbott has blamed Stem Cell Research for this, John Howard has blamed refugees, and Peter Debnam has blamed Morris Iemma.

Technological Uprising Wreaks Havoc On The Streets Of Sydney

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - Household appliances all around Sydney have conducted a mass revolt against their owners and caused a riot in the streets. Over 1 000 casualties have been estimated as toasters, fridges and hair-dryers run wild on the streets of Australia's largest city, with many people fleeing the country in search of safe, appliance-free areas. News of the revolt has been slow-spreading, to the point of non-existance, due to problems with broadcasting and the uprising of televisions, radios and other communications technology. In a vague reflection of the apocalypse presented by The Day After Tomorrow, technology has run haywire leading many people homeless, applianceless, and, for those few Australians with the foresight to see this coming, nationless - recent revelations include reports that asylum seekers and refugees have been rejected from areas in the Middle East, Africa and South Asia.
In other news, the corpse of Joey Ramone, of The Ramones' fame, has risen from the dead after his alleged burial in a pet cemetary.
The New Juice reporting live from Sydney's CBD, with foot-pedal powered laptops and old-fashioned, quality reporting.

German Student Tries To Convince Herself That Singing Along To German Pop Is Studying

It isn't.

Teacher's Literacy Rates Questioned

Recent investigations into teacher's literacy rates have uncovered interesting results, with the majority proving themselves unable to distinguish between an "A" and an "E". With the recent uproar regarding school reports, most fears relate to the inability of teachers to communicate the success (or failure) of students within school. The implications of these findings remain confused and disorganised, but most experts believe nothing will change. There has been no speculation regarding the results' effects on student literacy rates.

Instruction to "Burn CD" Causes Tragic Housefire

Kansas, USA - A woman in her late 50's has caused a housefire which killed three based on a misunderstanding. After playing a Billy Joel CD for her younger colleague at work on Friday she was requested quite vivaciously to "burn it for me".
"It was odd," the unnamed woman said, "because I really thought she liked Billy Joel. And she didn't own this CD. Plus, there are easier ways of destroying CDs than to set fire to them."
In order to appear to her colleague as if she was still "young" and "hip", she proceeded to set fire to it that night. A spark set her tweed ankle skirt on fire, which in turn set her house and five children on fire. Three of the children died.
She will appear in court this morning charged with Being Out Of Touch.

Marginalised Groups Forced To Resort To Ordinary Clothing After This Season's Fashion Revealed

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - The recent trend towards comfortable clothes in Australian society has meant unfashionable people have had to make extra efforts towards appearing uncool. With tracksuits and ugg-boots remaining In for another month, and the "Unfashionable" featuring on this season's catwalk, nerds and other marginalised groups have been faced with the dilemma of finding something to wear that isn't fashionable. While many have resorted to plain, mono-coloured shirts and jeans, the rest are forced to choose between outrageously boring outfits and last season's sales items.
In other fashion news, police arrests for indecent exposure have increased dramatically with this trend, as crazed fashion addicts join in the never-ending competition to follow the "comfortable" trend. Thankfully, fashion experts predict next season will herald the renaissance of bubble-wrap and other stationary items on the catwalks of Milan, Paris and Sydney.

Othello Neither Noble Moor Nor Brutal Egotist

CYPRUS - Responding to recent rumours that he was either a Noble Moor or a Brutal Egotist, Othello has released a statement to the press via his publicist. In it, he says: "People keep putting all these labels on me. You all think you know me, especially English teachers. But you don't.
"I just wish everyone would stop analysing my every move. It's sick. My entire character cannot be summarised in just two words. You need at least three. And no, I do not have an eating disorder. I've just started eating right and working out.
"I'm a normal person too. All I want is to be left alone."
This has sparked thought that Othello may in fact be a Grumpy Old Bastard.

Philippa Gregory Writes Book In Which The Heroine Is Not A Manipulative Slut

Hammersmith, ENGLAND - In what is being termed a breakthrough for female-written historical fiction, Philippa Gregory has written a book which doesn't contain incest, kinky sex, or even extra-marital affairs. Instead, it features a princess who obeys her family, desires only her husband, and is only mildly pretty.
Historians documenting the movement of Historical Fiction have lauded it as a major development in the progress of this literary style. "Perhaps Philippa Gregory will even start to write books with less than 500 pages and which actually have some basis in history now. Who knows? This really could lead anywhere," said one professor.
However, as with any bold new move such as this, protests have begun to fly in from all round the globe.
"How could princes and princesses have existed without sleeping with animals, brothers and gardening items?" shouted a very angry woman, burning an effigy of Gregory. "I refuse to believe it. This moral and faithful character is completely baseless and without evidence. This is not how I like my Hi-Fi."*
Meanwhile, this could have serious effects on the development of an internet blog, based on Gregory's work, entitled The Old Juice. According to one member of the blog team, "Marriage and fidelity simply are not juicy enough. We are going to have to switch to the author of The Borgia Bride or something."


*'Hi-Fi' is an insider's term for Historical Fiction.

Maths Teacher Fails To Incite Revolution

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - A Maths Teacher has attempted to incite a global revolution, and failed due to never-before-seen levels of apathy. This is surprising considering the nature of her revolution was not the run-of-the-mill political revolution, it was a grammatical one.
"I just wish everyone would learn to say a pair of compasses," she said in a statement released to an apathetic press. "When my students are constructing circles, they always say, 'I'm going to get my compass out of my pencil case'. A compass is actually a device used to demonstrate where north is. What they need is a pair of compasses."
While studies have proven her to be quite correct, studies have also proven that nine out of ten students prefer listening to the music of Barry Manilow than considering the grammatically correct names for the implements in their geometry kits. And that is truly saying something.
In other news, nobody cares.

Welcome To The New Juice

Who are you?
We're not entirely sure yet.

What are you doing?
Yet to be decided.

What is this place?
A blog.

Do I smell?
Yes.

Do you make really innappropriate and slightly funny jokes?
Yes.

Can you spell?
Cleerly, no.

Are you slightly annoying, vaguely repetitive and almost arrogant?
Obviously not. I mean, if I was annoying, I would keep adding on this post. Repetitiveness would also result from this. Of course, I'm not arrogant either. I would never be arrogant. I'm just too good for that.

We do, however, refuse to take any responsibility for any of the comments made on this website - anything stated is completely fictional and intended to remain so, at least in the near future. For further information, contact us at thenewjuice@gmail.com

Is the above email correct?
Not at all.
The correct email is in fact...thenewjuicers@gmail.com
This is from memory however, and may or may not be correct.