Santa's Image Reinvented After Calls from the 'Obesity Awareness' Association

North Pole, ARTIC CIRCLE - In the weeks approaching Christmas this year, Santa's PR representative has responded to the Obesity Awareness Association's calls for a 'healthier, thinner' reinvention of the traditionally unhealthy and obese red-suited old man with the release of details of his personal diet and exercise regime. The careful revision of his traditionally overweight image has inspired a new range of diet-regime recipe books, with recipes including "Carb-Free Liquid Turkey" and "Muesli-Rich Non-Alcoholic Egg Nog".
In other news, the OAA has pledged its full support of the Muslim Ramadan tradition. Santa has also been enlisted by Weight Watchers for their post-Christmas advertising campaign later this year.

Milne Goes Mayne

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - In last week's Walkley Awards for Journalism, columnist Glen Milne infamously went the biff on Crikey.com.au's Stephan Mayne. Finally speaking this week, Milne said that he could "offer no excuses for [his] behaviour", but that he blamed the incident on "an unfortunate mixture of migraine pills with alcohol". He told The New Juice: "I've made it a policy not to respond to his provocations. These provocations include continually insulting my wife and putting a link to a website suggesting that I stalk women. I categorically deny this - it is all rubbish."
He also took the opportunity to apologise: "I apologise to Stephen and his family, to News Limited and to the public. There is no excuse or justification for my behaviour, and I absolutely regret it. On another note, I've had literally thousands of supportive emails and text messages. But what I did is wrong."

Summer Holidays Will Result in Higher Report-Worthy News, Reporter Declares

Sydney, AUSTRALIA - There is an expected increase in the amount of report-worthy stories over the summer holidays, states a New Juice reporter. However, the New Juice has denied that the trend towards higher amounts of dramatic, world-altering events during periods of low-to-medium workloads is a result of low-quality work ethics. Staunchly denying that the neglect of reports over the Spring was a result of prioritising activities, the New Juice blames a sheer paucity in news-worthy stories. Nevertheless, the New Juice expects an increase in worthwhile stories over the next few months, coincidentally coinciding with summer holidays.